Depression, the continued battle

I suffer from chronic depression. A lot of people do. What we do about it when we have it is different for a lot of people as well. What I want to look at today is the core of depression. I will use myself as an example for this, and I intend to craft a story for you. the reader, on how I dealt with and continue to deal with depression. 

depression

A depressed individual trying to break free is difficult.

What Depression is for Me

With myself, depression is a lack of self-esteem, self-worth and confidence. It is the thought that I should do something, but that I cannot do it. This is regardless of what the task is. When I get like this there are several levels for me. The first level through the fourth level is something that I can deal with on my own. It is something that is influenced by an environmental factor. Such as an argument or my inability to be able to do a task. When it gets to a point that I cannot deal with it myself I have three more stages. Stage five, six, and seven. Once I hit stage five I get help. The help could be a great many things. Talking with my therapist or family member, requesting additional aid, or even calling a crisis hotline. 

The crisis hotline can be reached at the following number for Lancaster county, (717)-394-2631. If you are someone in need of support please go to the support groups that MHA has. There website is right here

How I deal with my depression

I use a plethora of coping strategies. Coping skills are a great way to deal with depression. I use stuff that makes me happy to cheer myself up. With me, that thing is Star Wars. With others, it could be being around friends, reading, writing, or anything that takes your mind off of what was making you depressed. I see a fundamental problem with that approach. What I mean by that is that while coping skills are great for distracting yourself from your depression, it does not address the issue itself. 

I have a unique gift that I just know things about my emotions and I am good at explaining them. What I have found with depression is that you sometimes cannot explain it. That drives me up the wall, pardon the cliche, and I wish I could identify what the inner cause of my depression was. I know that environmental influencers are a big part. I am convinced that there is something else though, something at this point, I cannot identify. 

Depression’s Grip

At this point in time, I am under the shadow of depression. I have a clear head today and I am working to remedy my depression. The main problem that I have is that I am becoming less and less confidant in the way I articulate my feelings. I used to be able to express my feelings well. Now a combination of depression and anxiety has created a cycle. This cycle feeds on itself. What needs to be done to fix this is to break the cycle manually. Picture it like this. I am being surrounded by two elementals. One red, one blue, and they are circling around me at an accelerated pace. What I need to do is reach out and grab both of them at the same time and stop the cycle. This is difficult because the depression and anxiety have isolated me. 

In my head, I feel like I have no help. This is the subconscious by the way. It is not being rational at this point. That is where I need assistance. I need outside affirmation that I can do it. At this point the subconscious says I cannot, but my willpower is stronger and I will overcome this. I just need a little help along the way. 

Final Thoughts

My internship is almost over and I have learned so much while I have been here. I return to college at Millersville University soon. I need to shake this depression before any of that and I have confidence that I can. It is my subconscious that says no. I say yes.